A friend of mine sent me a poem the other day, of two female comedians making fun of the sex tips offered to women in magazines, promising a wonderful sex life. Those articles all went into detail on how to please a man, but make little or no mention of a woman’s needs (which in my opinion are far more complex!). So together with a few of my girlfriends we came up with our own tips.
What follows below, is what we came up with, all of which are ways of exchanging energies with your partner. Sex is just ONE way of exchanging energy, but there are so many others that are equally important in building up the layers of connection before sex even happens. What we really enjoy is starting with the subtle energy exchanges before building up to the more intense ones. Think of it like this, if you did an intense workout without warming up, you would probably pull a muscle, end up with an injury, be in pain and worst-case scenario, have to discontinue the activity completely. Its the same with sex, you first need to warm the energies slowly and engage as many of the senses as possible to get a full-spectrum experience.
This article has been written mostly with new couples in mind, but those in long-standing relationships are also more than welcome to be inspired! Of course, its understandable that some people’s lives, especially those who are parents, are just too busy at times to fulfill a lot of the below ideas, but you can always take one or two of them away with you for when you do have time. These might seem obvious to you, but never underestimate their power.
1. Conversation. If you can engage your partner’s mind with good conversation, you are half way there. Whether you discuss the mysteries of life or your day at work, finding out about each other is what’s important. Find out what gets your partner excited, a conversation about food or travel can often spark a sexy idea… or simply tell your partner what you love about them. Don’t make anything up! Be genuine. Compliments are free and they make people feel really good. Ladies – when a man pays you a compliment, simply smile and say thank you. Don’t argue! Arguing about the compliment, is like rejecting a gift. You needn’t immediately respond with a compliment either, your man didn’t compliment you just so he could hear one back, just let it sink in and allow yourself to enjoy how good it makes you feel.
2. Listen to your woman. A lot of women feel like they are not heard. So listen to her opinions, her hopes and her fears. You need not agree, disagree, or make any judgment, just listen and acknowledge with a simple, ‘OK’ or ‘I understand’. When a woman feels safe and understood, she will open up to you like a flower. If she feels she isn’t being heard, it’s likely she will find it harder to communicate her sexual needs too. Listening doesn’t just involve listening with your ears, however, but also listening to her body (being aware of your woman’s body language and how she is reacting to things).
3. Make eye contact. Look her in the eyes when you’re speaking to her. Caress her face with your eyes first. Let your eyes tell her how much you want her. Looking someone in the eyes is a great way to communicate sincerity and can be very intimate.
4. Smiling and laughter. If you enjoy each others company, this will come naturally. If you’re nervous, smiling will help ease your nerves and hers too. Humour is the best way to break tension, so try not to take yourself or the situation too seriously, stay light-hearted and playful (but do take each others pleasure seriously!).
5. Take your time. Don’t be in a rush! Make sure you’ve set aside enough time so that you both feel relaxed. You wouldn’t go to a restaurant and skip straight to desert without enjoying your starter, your main and a glass of wine to sip from… so enjoy all the aspects of your partner’s presence; mind, body and soul.
6. Setting the Mood. We all agreed that the mood cannot be forced or staged and has to happen naturally. This isn’t a box-ticking exercise and depends wholly on the two of you and your unique experience. Just BE YOURSELF and give 100% of your attention. There should be no expectations of making love, just enjoyment of each others company. There are certain things which can kill the mood though, like checking your phone every 5 minutes, so put it on silent for a while, and give yourself over to the present moment. Equally, switch the TV off or turn it down… the last thing you want to hear is Pat Butcher saying “stick the kettle on Frank”. There is nothing wrong with some music, scented candles, or a hot steamy bath to relax in, but none of this is particularly necessary.
7. Touching. There are so many erogenous zones on the body. Every part of the body can be touched in a pleasurable way. If you have time, massaging the hands or feet is a great way to start. Don’t worry if you know nothing about massage, just stroking her skin softly is a massive turn-on for most women. Touching gently is also very relaxing… and when we relax, our energies can flow more freely. The opposite is true of when we are tense, our energies get blocked (for instance, tension headaches are a type of pain that can be caused from tensing the muscles around the neck).
8. Kissing. Kissing is often seen as more intimate than intercourse. Cher wasn’t wrong when she said “it’s in his kiss” so kiss slowly, give yourself up to the moment and be alert to her responses. Keeping your eyes closed can help you to focus on the inner sensations and your partner’s energy. Kissing isn’t just for the face either, you have endless places you can kiss to give your woman pleasure… like starting at the lips and then working your way down to the neck, shoulders, inner elbow, stomach, hips, knees and feet… or wherever your curiosity takes you.
9. Communicate. Finding out what someone likes is as easy as listening for a kettle boiling. When you hear a moan of pleasure, you know you did something right! However, ladies… I would urge you to become more aware of when you are making moaning noises; simply check whether you are on autopilot, or whether your moans are genuine. Guys, if you aren’t sure she likes something, you can always just ask… ‘did you like that?’ or ‘would you like it if I touched you there?’ It’s easy to feel crushed if your partner communicates that they didn’t like something you did… so try and follow by telling them something you did like. Remember that not everyone likes the same things, so its OK to ask. What worked for one girlfriend might not necessarily work for another. Ladies – don’t be shy, tell him what you like! It’s very likely he will enjoy it too. Instead of focusing on what you don’t like (I don’t like it when we kiss too fast) try focusing on what you DO like (it really turns me on when you kiss me softly and slowly)…
10. The Holy Grail. Touching a woman between the legs, should be the very LAST PLACE you venture, UNLESS you get a very clear sign from her that this is what she wants (women occasionally fancy a quickie too of course!). How you then make love really is just about practicing and getting to know each other (again, listening for responses). For some people, chemistry is instant, and for others it takes a while to get the right balance, but practicing should always be fun and full of communication.
11. Techniques and positions… the things I did with past partners were not techniques I learned in magazines… they just arose naturally from playfulness, love and paying attention to my partner’s responses. They were my specific, unique response to having listened to my partner’s body and reactions and it should be the same the other way around. There are no techniques that will work on every woman without fail, so its important to explore sex together in partnership and to try and keep a fresh perspective.
When discussing positions, our group had very mixed preferences. One thing I would say about trying out new positions is that it takes a little time to build up trust in your partner, but once that trust is established, its more likely that you will both naturally become more comfortable with trying new and exciting things together in a playful way, or simply perfect your favourite position. Trying out lots of new positions with someone you have not built trust in is like running before you can walk. There are positions I have personally disliked in the past, that I have come to enjoy with a new partner, and that is because we first built up trust in each other and then playfully found variations that worked for both of us.
One thing I have learned and wanted to share is that it can be beneficial for the woman to be on top sometimes… this is because the man’s hands are then free to explore her body and this gives her time to warm up and set the pace for lovemaking. This can also restore some balance and enable her to make love to her man, as well as being made love to. However, this doesn’t mean every woman will enjoy being on top. If your woman is unfamiliar or shy about being on top, you will need patience and understanding and stick to what she is comfortable with or if she simply doesn’t enjoy that position, you will both need to work together to find something else you both enjoy. Ladies – there is no pressure to ‘perform’ here (or with any position), simply sitting on top and kissing/touching is a good start. Only do what feels good for you and take it from there.
12. Love. You don’t have to be ‘in love’ with someone to have beautiful sex. Love is a way of life, and everything you do throughout your day can be infused with love. This means doing things to the best of your ability and putting your heart into it. From making your breakfast, to carrying out your job. Doing things halfheartedly only does yourself and those around you a disservice. If you find it difficult to put love into your daily life, then perhaps its time to make a change and find something you do want to put your love into. The same goes for the person you are in a sexual relationship with – if you do not want to put your heart into making love with them then you are probably with the wrong person. Making love to someone you care about and respect is roughly 100 times better than having random sex with someone you don’t care about (most women will agree with this). SO WHY ARE YOU SETTLING FOR LESS!?!
“Sex is the consolation you have when you can’t have love”
― Gabriel García Márquez
13. Porn. Be aware that porn is some other guys idea of sex, not yours. It’s purpose is to make money, not to satisfy women. Porn has been made by men for a male audience, so it simply isn’t a representation of what women want. Firstly, most women I know would rather make love than have robotic, mechanical sex, and those who actually do want meaningless robotic sex, most (but not all) are only settling for it because they don’t realise they deserve better. Some might even think this is the only way to keep a man happy and never voice their real needs in fear of losing their man. What’s interesting here is that the man has no idea he isn’t satisfying her and would probably be very happy to try new things to please her. Secondly, porn slowly conditions your mind to a certain view of sex, so be aware of what you are watching and what effect it is having on you. You wouldn’t look to Eastenders for an example of how to lead your life, so don’t look to porn for an example of how to please your woman! For extra clarification, check the MakeLoveNotPorn website. Thirdly, porn can stay with you much longer than you bargained for. If you are making love to your woman and images of porn are invading your mind, then you are not really in the moment with her. Fourthly and finally, porn is a representation of friction-based sex, which is only the masculine (yang) form. Have you even tried the feminine (yin) form of sex yet? Think about it… when you rub something really hard (friction) you lose sensation, it becomes numb. This is what you are doing to your genitals with so much friction. On the other hand, when you touch something gently, how sensitive does it feel! Touching gently allows us to relax and sense the subtle energies we have lost the ability to feel through the numbness of friction. For further reading, I would point you in the direction of Tantra, Osho and this blog, which I found sums it up nicely.
So now you know what we ladies want, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR!!!??? GET LOVING. ❤